When Did It Get So Crazy?

It should be so very simple – boy meets girl, girl likes boy, they spend time together and soon discover they want to be together and they become a couple. Modern love is never that simple.

After two disappointing attempts at having a happy relationship, I decided it was time to try again. I decided to try a few internet dating sites because that had worked for me in the past. I remember I had enjoyed meeting different men online and how I had looked forward to getting email each day. I wasn’t expecting this to be so hard.

I’m reasonably good looking, I’m smart and funny and I’m not materialistic or demanding. Yes, I am a bit older, but I’m blessed to look much younger than I am even if I do feel it sometimes. I’m good at conversation, I have lots of interests, I can take care of myself, hell, I even like football!

So I wrote up my profile and it went something like this…”Worldly sassy woman seeks intelligent funny man for life’s adventures.” And I spoke of the things I like and I said one thing clearly – I prefer white men and especially European men. I said I love classic rock and roll and old school r&b.  I said I love reading, writing and music as well as pets – both cats and dogs. I like to travel and I love to laugh and I want a man with a great sense of humor so we can laugh and love together. That’s pretty straight forward isn’t it? I chose my age limit to be 40-65. And then I waited to see what would happen.

The first few emails were innocent enough.  One local guy seemed ok.  We chatted online a few times.  He was nice but didn’t really light my fire. He wanted to meet right away and I didn’t to. We should first email each other, then we chat online and maybe I might give him my phone number and if it all goes well, we meet in person.

I got emails from men who were clearly outside the preferences I had established. It was obvious that they weren’t reading my profile. Was I being too picky? What was wrong? I just wasn’t happy with the emails I was getting.

I began to notice a trend: lots of email from men professing to be widowers with young children or teenagers who needed a woman to love them. Problem! I never had children, never wanted children and don’t want them now. I want to give my love and attention to my man, not his kids. I like a man who can give me his attention and love and I am not getting up at 6:30 a.m. to get little Megan off to school. Nor am I going to pick her up or go to her dance recital or her soccer game.I also don’t want to argue with a sulking teenager who reminds me I am not her mother. I’m too old for that.

I got suspicious.  There were sure a lot of dead women out there, when statistics tell us that women tend to live longer than men do generally. Hmmm.  And some of the pictures of those poor dear men looked like models. And I did have one man ask me for money promptly. Seems had this check he couldn’t cash and if I just loaned him some money….you know the rest. I knew that was coming! I said no quickly and that I suspected he was just a scammer trying to figure out a way to get into my meager bank account. He faded away.

I have a M.A. in English.  I have been teaching grammar and writing since 1988.  I recognize when people don’t speak English as their native tongue.  I know that a lot of folks didn’t pay attention in school and that they were bad in grammar but certain errors and word misuses only occur in people who aren’t comfortable writing in English. I know it when I see it.

I am pretty sure that most of these people are from whatever countries those people live in that concentrate on scamming.  I can just see them sitting in a smoky room somewhere full of computers, or in an internet café, all looking for ways to hook into gullible Americans and worm their way into our lives and bank accounts. 

When I wrote back to them challenging them about their writing or what they said, some of them responded with delight that I had answered them so I knew their English was so bad, they didn’t realize what I was saying to them. All that told me these people were just liars.

I mean, are you going to fall for this:

“I bet if they elected Miss 2011, she has to be you! Your smile tensed my whole heart when I looked at your picture. It must be raining when you were born, because God was crying for losing his most beautiful Angel. How long have you been living on earth?”

Or this?

“I offer you:
my commitment,
my time,
my hope for the future,
a shoulder to cry on,
a smile to lift you up,
an arm to give you strength,
shelter from all harm,
and a kiss to inspire you.
I offer you my heart
and all I have to give.
I offer you a
lifetime of love. “

He’s good, isn’t he?  Wouldn’t that warm your heart?

I got too much of that stuff. I tried to laugh about it but truthfully, it angered me. I’m smart and hard to fool.  What about the poor women who are desperate and lonely and get these emails and believe them? Some of them write so much romantic drivel that you begin to wonder. It’s just not fair that people should be so anxious to take advantage of other people.

I decided to get them back. I found an article about how to spot online dating site scammers and I posted it. I copied the emails I had that I knew were lies and I posted them too.  If one woman realizes she’s being scammed and is saved, I will breathe a lot easier.

And I kept getting emails from men with no profile and no picture. Why?  If they can see what I look like and get some kind of idea what I’m like, why can’t I do the same? And I don’t want to give them my email so they can send me a picture.  I want them to post their information too. I probably have sent over a hundred emails in return asking them why no pic/profile.

Some I understand.  They were just not very attractive and I’m being kind. Now I am not looking for George Clooney, though I would not kick him out of bed.  I don’t mind if the man has a few extra pounds.  I have a few. I don’t mind if he’s balding or bald.  I’m kinda short so he doesn’t have to be tall. He doesn’t have to be a movie star.  But he does have to be attractive to me.

But a man who has not taken care of himself, who looks really beaten down and old, with baggy loose skin and a droopy face with a few tufts of white hair does not get me warm if you know what I mean. And I don’t want a short man who is wider around his waist than he is tall.

I don’t like facial hair. At all. Beards and moustaches do not excite me. I like my men baby faced and smooth.  The most I will tolerate is a 5 o’clock shadow but no more. I like men with long hair.  Maybe it’s that rock and roll thing, but I do. And I like a man with some light and laughter in his eyes.  He must be kind of interesting to catch my eye. 

Ok, maybe I am a bit picky. But that’s what I like. Oh, and I am fond of British men. There is just something about their attitudes that I really like. I have been hoping I would meet a cheeky, funny and cute Brit that I would fall head over heels for and have fun with. (I did meet one but that’s a whole other story.)

I went back to my profile and added a couple of things.  “If you don’t have a profile and a picture, I will not respond to your email. And if you are a single father with small children, please do not write to me. I am not interested in being a mother to your children. “I eventually changed that to “No single dads. Period.”  Teenagers scare me.

The men I ended up talking to were men who started out our conversation just talking. We just started talking like we knew each other. They didn’t pepper me with questions about what I do or what I liked or what I wanted. We just talked. Some of the men started with the questions so fiercely that I thought I was interviewing for a job. It was annoying to say the least.

I used to write articles for a newspaper and I learned that people were more willing to tell me what I wanted to know if I just let them talk.  Questions broke up the flow and some found it intrusive. When I talk to people, I just talk to them.  I may ask a question here or there, but mostly I find out what I want to know just in conversation with them. And I tell them what they want to know as well.  It just works better. But some of these men didn’t know that. I suggested to a few of them that we just chat and not ask so many questions but they persisted and soon I lost interest.

I began to wonder if the men on the sites could read. Black men, young men, single dads and men who clearly did not fit my preferences continued to send me emails on a daily basis. I realized that they were only looking at my pictures and not reading my profile. They just liked the way I looked and decided to write to me to convince me that I should be with them.

I stopped being nice.  I just didn’t answer the ones who were unacceptable. Once in a while, I did write back – ‘No profile? No picture? Not fair! You saw mine!’

Lots of guys asked me for personal contact information that I didn’t want to give them. And I got over the thrill of online chatting over 10 years ago. When I go online, I’m checking my email or reading posts in groups or some other task. I have no desire to sit online all day or all night and answer questions or explain why I don’t want to meet his little boy or why having sex with him would give me nightmares. It just got to be too much.

I met a few guys with some kind of promise but as we got to know each other, things didn’t work out for various reasons. Some were unavailable, some were too sexual, others had other relationships and weren’t honest about it but all in all, nothing happened. A few of them I still chat with but there’s no romance, no sparks, nothing like that going on.

So looking at my email each day had become looking at men who were bravely showing their parts that they really should have been hiding. It was emails from men who want to get naked right away and others who want me to tell them my fantasies. It was no longer fun to read.

I finally gave in and closed two of the online profiles I had. I still have a couple open but I don’t have much hope anymore. I needed to do other things anyway. I took on the task of posting the letters from the men I suspect are scammers. I need to get to a story I’ve been working on and make it into a novel. I need to finish the ones I have already started. And I wanted to get this started too. So I had to move on.

I am still hoping I will find the man with the light in his eyes and the smile on his lips that will set my heart racing.  Maybe he will show up.

I keep hoping.