The Wrong Man: Why Do We Love Him So?

In reading about some famous women and their train wreck relationships, I began to wonder. I like to read those stories and think to myself, ‘whew, I would never do something like that!’ but I have to be honest. I have and I do. And then I started to wonder about all the women I know and how we all have gotten together over the years and commiserated over our poor choice in men. This “Wrong Man” thing seems to be epidemic with us.

Why do we do it?

I’m a terrific one for having crushes. I have always been sort of a loner and I spend a lot of time in my own thoughts and dreams. That’s partly why I am able to do this – write stories and such so well. But when I was younger, I was awkward and unattractive to the boys I went to school with and I made up for it by telling myself that there were other men around who would appreciate me.  For a 14 year old, I was pretty wise about that because I was right. I really wasn’t interested in those boys that much and I had set my sights higher and went on about my life.

It’s pretty much common knowledge that I prefer to date white men. I’ve never really been attracted to black men and the ones I thought I liked when I was young soundly rejected me so I didn’t feel bad when I realized I really didn’t want them either. But being interested in white boys in the late 1960’s wasn’t really conducive to having a lot of dates. The small town I lived in was more open minded than most places but those boys were not ready to cross that line.  Oh they laughed and talked with you but they were really not into anything else. As we got older, they might have been curious about having sex with a black girl but that’s as far as it went.

By then, I was sitting in my bedroom, listening to rock music and fantasizing about the musicians and hoping to meet them because I knew THEY liked black girls. As soon as I was old enough to get out and away from home, that’s exactly what I went after. I learned quickly that most of those guys were already married when they came to the US and wowed us American girls. They were definitely the wrong guys so I enjoyed them when I was with them and moved on. But they sure were fun!

I was like many other girls in my 20’s – curious, adventurous and ready to meet as many attractive men as I could. Imagine my joy when I found I was as attractive to those men as they were to me.  I was so flattered and excited and I felt powerful and sexy and damned lucky. And then things started to go very wrong. I would meet a guy who sent my pulse racing. He would watch me with an intensity that set my heart pounding. He would be attentive and hanging on my every word and totally incapable of keeping his hands off me. I would look into his eyes and just imagine all the wonderful things we would do together later, the intimate moments and the love we would share. We would walk together hand in hand, sharing nice dinners and go shopping and look in store windows and….

No.  None of that happened. While I was convinced I was giving myself to the man I would soon love, he was having sex with a hot girl he desired. And once he had made that conquest, he was ready to move on. So while I sat at home waiting for the phone call that never came, he was off looking for the next hot girl. And my heart got broken. Again. And again. And again.
I’ve always been one to withdraw and think about things. After a particularly crushing situation with a guy I liked I knew I need to rethink this whole thing. It was apparent there was a disconnect somewhere and I figured it out. These men were not chasing me because they wanted me to be their girlfriend. They wanted to have sex with me and once they had, they were finished with me. They weren’t looking for what I was looking for and I kept getting hurt. It was time for me to get smart about this whole thing.

I knew I still liked having sex and not necessarily getting involved from time to time. But I also knew I kind of wanted a boyfriend. I had to learn that sexual attraction wasn’t the same as being attracted to a person because there was mutual interest. There were times after that when I would notice a man giving me those hot intense looks and I would blow him off. I didn’t always want to have casual sex and if he wasn’t that interesting to me, I didn’t bother. I knew what he wanted. And then I developed this reputation for being hot and sexy and hard to get.

I like a gorgeous man as much as the next girl. But as I grew older, I began to regard them more as eye candy. They might taste good, but who needs empty calories? I got more interested in other things – I went to college later in life and I wanted to get good grades.  Messing about with a guy who meant nothing to me was just not a priority. I was in my 30’s in college with lots of young guys from 18 to 21 with raging hormones. I knew very well those weren’t the guys I wanted. My roommates were getting their hearts broken on a daily basis so I called an emergency meeting and we had the talk about the wrong guy. I explained about those deep and intense looks and that he wasn’t thinking about the ring he wanted to buy you to announce that you were a couple. He was trying to figure out the right thing to say to get into your pants. Some of the girls didn’t believe me and some did. But at least they knew.

What is it about the wrong man that we find so alluring? Is it just how they look?  Is it that desire to be with the bad boy because he’s so interesting in his desire to be different? We love the rebels – the guys who buck convention and dress different. For us more mature ladies, it was the guy in the tight jeans with the motorcycle jacket and the longer hair and that daring look in his eyes. Or maybe we liked his different accent and the way he leaned back and looked at us from under his eyelashes.

Now the girls seem to like the thugs with the big baggy jeans and the over sized tee shirt and the bling. Or he’s got lots of piercings and tattoos and a bald head. Whatever, he isn’t the one we should be looking at but something about that bad boy attracts us.

Or is it what he says? Why is it that the wrong man always tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and that he smiles that smile that makes your heart drop and you fall in love before you know it. Is he better in bed than other guys?

Whatever it is, the wrong man is very popular with us. We manage to find the ones who don’t work, or have an angry vengeful ex or several babies by different women. We like the men who don’t want to commit and have three or four different women who all think he belong to them. We love the cheating husband who has a wife who just doesn’t understand him anymore. We love the drug addict, the alcoholic, the sex addict, the controlling know-it-all, the man who thinks all women are stupid, who doesn’t respect our opinions and especially the one who only wants us for sex. All of us have wrong man stories and many times, more than one. We will be attracted to different versions of the wrong man over and over. We make the same mistake over and over and over.

Why?

If I knew, I’d be on Oprah and I’d be rich.

We fall in love with him for many different reasons because the wrong man isn’t always the same man for each of us. And you would think as much as we talk about him to each other that we would recognize him when we see him. But we don’t. Maybe he’s gotten cleverer and that he’s better able to sneak past our defenses and into our hearts and wreck havoc on us. Or are we so desperate for a man that we fall for a man even when we know he’s wrong?

Do we imagine we can change him? Or do we hope he will change and suddenly become The Right Man?

Usually at some point, we have been given a warning.  It might have been subtle – something he said or did that we wondered about and then thought up a reason for it and overlooked it only to remember it later when we are sitting alone watching “Charmed” reruns while devouring a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream.

Men often tell us what they want and we tend not to listen. We try to justify it or think he really didn’t mean it or that we can change his mind. And again, we end up with a broken heart. Or sometimes we meet that man who is truly a lying, rotten worthless bastard who is able to hide his true nature till we get involved or until he decides he’s finished using you and he leaves you confused and hurt. Whatever.  We just seem to be fatally attracted to these men.

Be careful ladies. Tread lightly. Take your time.  Ask the right questions. Listen for the wrong answers. Keep your heart under lock and key until you are sure. Keep your panties on and if you do take them off, for heaven’s sake make sure your contraceptives work. Listen to what your trusted girlfriends say. If they are ones you know and love, they won’t lead you wrong.  If they have misgivings, they will tell you and they can be objective because they aren’t involved like you are. If that little voice starts to speak to you, listen to it. Run!

Remember this – all the time you waste falling in love with the wrong man is keeping you away from the right man. How much time do you want to waste like that? We aren’t getting any younger. Don’t try to stay and make it work. It won’t get better. Realize you have made a mistake and gather up your wounded pride and your tattered heart and leave.

That rush you get from the wrong man is temporary. As soon as you figure out he’s not the one, all the magic is gone. You’ll wonder what you saw in him in the first place. And you will start to think what if….why didn’t I…I should have…on and on.

The right man will make you happy. He will make your heart feel like it’s about to burst sometimes. He will listen to you and talk to you and love you and be there when you have a cold and he will love you. He will piss you off sometimes and you will want to knock his block off. But you will know that nobody else makes you feel as loved and secure as he does.

Isn’t that what you want?