I just had a birthday. It was just like every other day in
my life lately, except for a lot of greetings from friends and family. I sat at
home in my bed, on my computer or watching television or sleeping. For one
thing, I haven’t felt well for a few days. I have a viral infection of some
kind and I’ve been under the weather.
But mostly, it’s because I can’t afford to do anything. I
haven’t worked in over three years. I was getting unemployment for a while but
that ran out. For several months, I had no income at all. I was humiliated,
terrified and angry.
It’s not because I don’t have the education or the
experience or the skills. I do. But I just happen to fall into that group of
people who seem to suddenly have been shut out of the job market. I’m over 50,
but not yet of retirement age. I’ve sent out more resumes than I can count. I
had two interviews, perhaps 4 calls of interest and that is all in the past few
years. Nobody is interested in hiring someone like me. I finally stopped
sending out resumes because the only responses I got were the rare thanks but
no thanks letters. Most folks didn’t even bother to respond.
I wonder what they think we are supposed to do? We want to
work. We need to work. Many of us had jobs we enjoyed and we love the contact with
people. While I did not like the supervisor I had at my last job and I thought
some of the policies were rather archaic and ridiculous, I did like working
with the students I taught, even if they weren’t the ideal students.
I like being of service to people. I love helping people
improve their lives. I like making a difference. I learned a long time ago that
it’s not about me – it’s what I can do for others that makes working worthwhile
for me. It’s hard for me to feel useless and unable to do what I love.
I admit I don’t like the prospect of getting to work. I live in Chicago and going to work will more than
likely consist of a lengthy ride on public transportation, something I don’t
really like doing.
While it wasn’t a problem for me for most of my life, I was
diagnosed with lupus a few years ago and it’s work for me to get up, get
dressed, walk to the bus/L, wait and then ride for nearly an hour to get to
work. I am already exhausted by the time I get there.
The best thing for me would be for me to have a
telecommuting position but getting those is like finding the goose with the
golden egg. And I am really looking forward to leaving Chicago.
Looking back, coming here was not the best thing for me. My health has suffered since I have been
here and things in my life have gotten progressively worse each year that I
have been here.
I desperately want to leave here but I cannot leave just
yet.
And when I do leave, where will I go?
What will I do?
How will I survive?
The past year, it was probably better that I didn’t work. My
youngest brother came to Chicago a few years ago to get help with his failing
vision from severe glaucoma. He was going to classes to learn other skills so
that he could continue to work despite his limited vision.
While going, he began to notice he was extremely fatigued
from the trip to his classes each day. It got harder and harder for him to walk
a few blocks and he soon realized he had to stop going. He kept saying there
was something wrong with him and I didn’t know what to think so he was going to
a doctor. It took a year or more to discover that he had multiple myeloma and
amyloidosis.
He began chemotherapy immediately and six months ago, he had
a stem cell transplant. He has been recovering and I have become his caregiver.
My brother and I have always been close so it was no decision for me to make. I
knew he needed me and I wanted him to be better. He is still extremely weak and
fatigued even though he is getting better so I still keep things in order for
us as much as I can.
We have had a rough few years. He couldn’t work so he had to
apply for social security disability and when he got it, they immediately began
to garnish student loan payments and child support. He’s never been one to
shirk his responsibilities, but he went without work and was unable to pay
support. His ex didn’t bother to find out what was going on, but stomped into
court demanding her payment and so it was deducted. He was forced to live on
what was left, which wasn’t much.
Lucky for him, his student loan debt was pardoned and he was
living in a house with me and another roommate where we split the rent three
ways.
When I lost my job, I had health issues that needed to be
addressed and was trying to keep my treatments going despite my dwindling
finances. I was also responsible for some of the payments for our household and
that was getting harder for me as well.
Our living arrangements got dicey as well, Our roommate had
various relatives moving in and out as well as friends and that made things different
and not always in a good way. And then we discovered that our landlord had not
been paying the taxes, mortgage or water bill for the house we were renting
from her.
We were struggling to keep the rent paid and we were late
sometimes, but we always managed to get her most of the rent each month if not
all. We didn’t know how long we’d be able to remain in the house and that
caused even more tension.
During this time, my estranged husband had a health crisis
and had no one to assist him, so I went to Florida and stayed a month trying to
get him on his feet. I did it because he had been in my life for several years and
I couldn’t in good conscience leave him alone and ill. All I wanted was for him
to get better. Just because we couldn’t live together anymore didn’t mean I
didn’t care what happened to him.
Back in Chicago, we struggled to try to keep the home we had
been living in for four years. We tried to work things out with the landlord
and then when the house was sold, with the new company that bought it. It was
soon clear that we would have to move and so we began looking for a place to
live.
It was going to be difficult for us to find a place to live
with my roommate, her family and my brother and me and our assorted pets. We
knew we would have to split and look for things on our own and so we did. We
both managed to find apartments with the help of family.
We are paying more rent that our apartment is worth and we
are living in a dangerous part of town. We have struggled with assorted and
varied issues with this apartment since we have been here but we know we are
lucky to have found a place with our limited income and in such a short period
of time.
We also knew we didn’t want to sign a lease and stay here
two years. We planned to move back to the South as soon as my brother’s
physicians release him from treatment. We didn’t realize just how extensive
that treatment would be but he has done very well throughout and it looks like
we may be able to leave in a few months after all.
But as I said before, where will we go?
We want to go to Florida. We both lived there at different
points in our lives and we loved it.
Do we want to live near our family? Do we want to start a
business in a building owned by a family member?
Or do we want to live in North Florida and find something on
our own, away from them and the continuing drama that our family property has
created?
And then we could go to Georgia and live where his son
lives.
But would we be a burden for them?
And when will we be able to go?
And how?
Neither of us can drive that much. And we don’t have that
much money. We can get a truck and go, but again, where?
We have a lot of thinking to do.
I can’t help but wonder what is in store for me. I’ve been
taking care of other folks and putting myself on the back burner. I was doing
what I should do. I would do it again. Some of my friends have commented that I
deserve so much for the care I have given others but I didn’t do it for
repayment or for compliments. When I love people, I love them. No questions.
But is my life over as I knew it? What kind of future can I
look forward to? Will I have to exist on the meager funds I receive each month
for the rest of my life? Can I find a job that I can do despite my chronic
condition?
I am a writer and I write on almost a daily basis. I give my
work to some bloggers to use and I get lots of positive feedback, but I also
need to get paid. I have work that I want to include in an anthology and I
can’t seem to get a publisher interested in my work. (Yes, it’s a bit racy. I
write interracial romantic/erotica as well as social commentary.)
I would love a writing job. It’s what I do best and what I
love. I keep hoping I will find something that will work with my schedule and
so far, no go.
I want to do more. I want to be able to hold my head up and
go shopping and have something to discuss with people. I want to be social
again and to get out and mingle more than I do.
I am youthful and I don’t look my age. Despite the fact I
have a few chronic conditions, I have them under control for the most part. The
one thing I am fighting is severe depression. The difficulties of the past
years were eventually more than even my strong constitution could bear. I
withdrew, sat alone with my thoughts and pain and refused to share or show how
I felt. I realized that something was wrong and sought help and for a while, I
was feeling better but the struggle has been harder than even I realized.
While my husband and I are still married, we have separate
lives and I am happy with that. We haven’t lived together in over five years. I
wish him happiness and I hope he can find a woman who can bring him peace and
joy. I know I am not that woman regardless of what he thinks. We can be
friends, but that is all. I can’t give him what he needs, nor can he give me
what I need.
I thought I had met the person who was going to bring me
that joy but I was sadly mistaken. He was not there for me when I needed him
and while he says he loves me, it is obvious that he will not be able to be
there for me and will not be the one to give me the peace and happiness that I
want so badly.
Am I too old to find someone now?
Am I too picky about the ones who seem to be interested?
Do I really know what I want or want I don’t want?
Is my life over as I know it?
Will I ever find a man to love me and to hold my hand and
tell me that it will be all right and not need me to bolster his insecurity or
give up who I am to keep him happy? Will I meet someone who will love me as
flawed as I am while I accept his flaws?
I ask myself these questions almost daily. I try not to get
depressed about it and sometimes I catch myself fighting back the tears. I’m
afraid sometimes and other times I’m just angry.
I worked so hard all my life and I really tried to make
things better and this is all I ended up with. I get angry because I deserved
better than this. I had such high hopes for my life.
I did not ever think I would end up like this.
And how much would I have done different if I had known it
would be like this?
Each month, as I make the required payments I barely have
enough left to be able to eat and perhaps buy a few of the little things that
make life worth living – a bottle of perfume here or there, some lipstick, a
pair of shoes, things like that. Going out to dinner or drinks with friends is
out of the question.
I wake up every day and do the same thing. Yes, I am blessed
to be with my brother. I was afraid I would lose him for a while. The rest of
our family is too far away to be able to help me when I am tired and ill, so I
have to get up and do what I can – go to the store or do laundry or help him
get with his medicine or clean the house. There is no help. It’s all on me.
My brother is a great cook and sometimes he prepares
wonderful meals for us. Unfortunately, where we live, the stores don’t have the
level of produce and meat that we are used to. And we don’t have the money to
buy them anyway. We were receiving food assistance but that got cut from $400 a
month to $32. That barely buys a meal.
We enjoy being together and we sit and talk over our morning
coffee each day. We sit on the steps and watch the world pass by. We watch
television almost all day long. It is our only form of entertainment.
I go with him to all his appointments for his treatment. His
medical team says I am a wonderful form of support for him. He is my brother. I
wouldn’t have it any other way.
I spend a lot of time online. I have many friends and I
manage to reach out and talk to lots of people there even if I get down
sometimes at the news and the state of things in the world we live in now. It
can really be depressing sometimes.
I’d love to be able to go shopping at the MAC counter and
get a makeover and buy some new makeup. I’d love a shopping trip to get some
new shoes or a new dress or a great pair of boots or one of those military
jackets I saw in last month’s Vogue.
I need a new phone. I had to give up my IPhone and my
expensive carrier and the phone I have isn’t worth the plastic it’s made of. I
need to be able to buy a new one but I don’t know when I will be able to do
that. I’d love a tablet also but…well, again, I don’t know.
Is this all my life is ever going to be?
Struggling to pay this or that and just watching life pass
me by? I’ve done so many things right and yes, I’ve done a few things wrong.
I’ve struggled with money all my life and never managed to get things the way they
should have been financially.
I went to graduate school hoping it would improve my career
and all it did was burden me with a massive student loan that has been
troubling ever since I got out of school. I did not ever have a job that
rationalized the debt I had to assume. If I had it to do again, I would have
stopped with my B.A. and I would be out of debt now.
So many things and so many questions!
Is this any way for a smart, talented, vibrant and wonderful
woman to live out her life?
It seems it’s all I have left to look forward to.
