It's Saturday Morning and My Butt's Too Big!

Spring usually isn't a big time to me. I've lived in Florida and Louisiana and spring usually can be measured in minutes before it melts into the eventual heat of summer. I like that.

But the past few years, I've been living in Chicago and here, spring is a big deal. That ugly gun metal gray sky loosens it's grip and on a few days, you can see blue sky and a few rays of sunshine. SUNSHINE?? Wow, I almost forgot what that is! You actually have a few days where it's not actually scary to go outside for a while.

You know, during the winter here when it's colder than a welldigger's you-know-what and the wind is blowing and there is snow everywhere...you really don't want to go out unless you have to. I remember those mornings trudging to the bus stop trying to get to work and the string of obscenities I let loose when the bus flew by just as I was getting close. That meant I had to stand out there for 10 to 20 minutes freezing. Grrr.

I get mean when my toes freeze and I hate it when my nose and ears start to go numb. I don't understand that cold that literally takes your breath from you and it feels like needles when you breath it in. I hate the wind blowing. I hate the snow. Let's face it, I just hate winter!

This morning,  I went to put on a pair of jeans and they were too tight. First I checked to make sure they were really MY jeans and that a demon hadn't switched them with a skinny girl. Then I looked in the closet to see if I could figure out why all my clothes had shrunk. The answer came to me as I passed the mirror. I shrieked in horror at the butt on that woman in the mirror because I realized that woman is me and that big butt is mine as is that stomach. Oh horrors! So that means that this spring is going to have to be different. I have to get busy.

See, sitting around, feeling sorry for yourself and putting things off till tomorrow apparently isn't good for the butt. I spent a few months in and out of depression and staying inside and now I have this big butt! So now I have to go outside because now I have to walk for exercise to get rid of the offending rear end.

Ah, spring.....you are so cruel....

Putting Them On Blast

I got so many crazy emails on the internet dating sites that I decided to post them for all to see. Maybe some girl will read them and recognize an email she got and then know what she is dealing with. I'm just so fed up with them that I had to do something. But here goes - some of the best of the best or worst of the worst, depending on how you look at it.

How are u doing today?I am a new member on this site. while searching for profile,i came across yours and i like what i see on it.so i decided to give it a try and see if we may be compatible for each other .Well, this little about my self.
I am loving caring,down to earth,humble i got some respects for women,i am romantic and i think i am God fearing too .i could be sincere ,i am very truthful and detest lies . I have noticed that the reason that so many women and men alike don't have success with having relationship is that they simply are so concerned with finding someone for their own personal gain instead of examining what they have to offer a relationship. When I was younger I wanted to find Mrs. Right. I was so caught up in what wanted her to be for me that I neglected to focus also on what I had to offer. That is as important in a relationships' success as finding what you want. I have learned the hard way that the Mrs. Rights' involved also had a right to find what was going to be of benefit to them also. I think part of the reason that we fail so miserably at relationships' is that, we THINK that we have so much to offer when the reality is we were doing more taking than offering and when the relationship fail, we come up with this..... he likes bad ladies, she wants money or she is too shallow this that or the other. If when you put yourself on the market and you truly want real love, then you must have some real love of your own to offer. If you do not then why should you have something that you don't have to offer. Many people haven't a clue what love is. They think that it is someone that will fill everyone of their needs and desires. If you want a relationship that is going to go the distance it is best to find someone that you will accept as they are and grow with spiritually, emotionally and physically with. I have my physical preferences myself and do not deny that. We all as people have the right to our choices and taste. HOWEVER, many things take place over the course of the years and that great looking guy and that hot chick that you first got with, if they are not someone you are compatible with on MORE than just a physical level, you let yourself in for a heart ache. Try to learn from the mistakes of the past because if you do not, you will have different faces but the same kind of person each time. You will deserve just that until you make some alterations.if u need my photos i can send some over to you.And here is my e-mail address again ..................You are free to e-mail me any time and day or chat with me.

I will be glad to hear from u again.And hoping to talk to u online may be we can start from some where and get to know each other better.

Thanks.

I will be looking forward to here from u again.

Wow, right? And here is yet one more.  This one is infamous because he gave me two names in the same email.

This is my response:
Do you have a Facebook page or a profile page on Yahoo? I have gotten dozens of emails from guys who are scammers. I just need to know you are who and what you say you are. I am sure you understand my being cautious.

This is what he wrote back. 

THANK YOU FOR THE MAIL..

Hello Brenda

thanks for the response to my mail am so happy to read back from you,i was just searching on profile and i come across yours and i was captivated by your Beauty,Well i think i have to tell you a little about me........... I lost my wife 7 years ago, My Son name is ..... and He is 10years old he is in .............. i really need a relationship that will last for eternity, I believe to begin with,i have to give you a run down of why i am on this site and my reason for choosing this site as an avenue to get linked with my partner to be for life. Distance between us doesn't mean anything since we are going to meet in person.. I live in Wisconsin Waldo, I don't know how to begin but i would in the simplest way i can.I am telling you this in the most sincere manner and bringing out every word to be from the inner most depth of my mind and conscience.

I AM ON THIS SITE FOR NO OTHER REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I INTEND TO HAVE SELF INVOLVED WITH A WOMAN DEVOID OF COLOR,RACE, OR CREED WHO I CAN HAVE AND SET OUR RELATIONSHIP ON A PLATFORM WHICH WOULD BASED ON TRUE LOVE AND LOVE ME FOR WHO AND WHAT I AM OF WHICH I AM ALSO WILLING AND READY TO LAY MY SELF AT HER MERCY IF ONLY SHE CAN ASSURE ME THAT SHE WILL TAKE ME TO BE HER LOVE PET.

Getting this out of my self was really a tedious emotional stress which i had to endure but for the fact that i had to be true and sincere, i will go to any length to make my emotions transparent.My utmost reason for choosing this site out of every other was mainly based on the fact that i was told by a friend of mine after i was widowed by one and only wife which made my emotions shattered and let me down thereby leaving me heart broken ,well my friend who's name is .......told me it was worthwhile because a brother of his i mean my friend ......got married to an Australian woman called ......on this site and has been happily married to her for the past 18 months which thereby informing my logging on to this site in quest for succor from a woman who will be ready to shower my fragile heart with love and contemplate marriage in the near face in which i am committed and submitting my self for.Actually i m a novice when it comes to the internet dating,i am really a new person here on the net.I actually never believed it could be possible for two people to meet via the internet and got married but i really saw it happened.If i am to continue like this,my emotions would be let loose so let me restrict my self to that which i have said for now,the future would decide if i am to go more than this.And about my self let me begin this way.

That's all i can say for now i will tell u more when i hear from u and please do not hesitate to ask me any question..Hope to hear back from you,

Yeah, right!

The Wrong Man: Why Do We Love Him So?

In reading about some famous women and their train wreck relationships, I began to wonder. I like to read those stories and think to myself, ‘whew, I would never do something like that!’ but I have to be honest. I have and I do. And then I started to wonder about all the women I know and how we all have gotten together over the years and commiserated over our poor choice in men. This “Wrong Man” thing seems to be epidemic with us.

Why do we do it?

I’m a terrific one for having crushes. I have always been sort of a loner and I spend a lot of time in my own thoughts and dreams. That’s partly why I am able to do this – write stories and such so well. But when I was younger, I was awkward and unattractive to the boys I went to school with and I made up for it by telling myself that there were other men around who would appreciate me.  For a 14 year old, I was pretty wise about that because I was right. I really wasn’t interested in those boys that much and I had set my sights higher and went on about my life.

It’s pretty much common knowledge that I prefer to date white men. I’ve never really been attracted to black men and the ones I thought I liked when I was young soundly rejected me so I didn’t feel bad when I realized I really didn’t want them either. But being interested in white boys in the late 1960’s wasn’t really conducive to having a lot of dates. The small town I lived in was more open minded than most places but those boys were not ready to cross that line.  Oh they laughed and talked with you but they were really not into anything else. As we got older, they might have been curious about having sex with a black girl but that’s as far as it went.

By then, I was sitting in my bedroom, listening to rock music and fantasizing about the musicians and hoping to meet them because I knew THEY liked black girls. As soon as I was old enough to get out and away from home, that’s exactly what I went after. I learned quickly that most of those guys were already married when they came to the US and wowed us American girls. They were definitely the wrong guys so I enjoyed them when I was with them and moved on. But they sure were fun!

I was like many other girls in my 20’s – curious, adventurous and ready to meet as many attractive men as I could. Imagine my joy when I found I was as attractive to those men as they were to me.  I was so flattered and excited and I felt powerful and sexy and damned lucky. And then things started to go very wrong. I would meet a guy who sent my pulse racing. He would watch me with an intensity that set my heart pounding. He would be attentive and hanging on my every word and totally incapable of keeping his hands off me. I would look into his eyes and just imagine all the wonderful things we would do together later, the intimate moments and the love we would share. We would walk together hand in hand, sharing nice dinners and go shopping and look in store windows and….

No.  None of that happened. While I was convinced I was giving myself to the man I would soon love, he was having sex with a hot girl he desired. And once he had made that conquest, he was ready to move on. So while I sat at home waiting for the phone call that never came, he was off looking for the next hot girl. And my heart got broken. Again. And again. And again.
I’ve always been one to withdraw and think about things. After a particularly crushing situation with a guy I liked I knew I need to rethink this whole thing. It was apparent there was a disconnect somewhere and I figured it out. These men were not chasing me because they wanted me to be their girlfriend. They wanted to have sex with me and once they had, they were finished with me. They weren’t looking for what I was looking for and I kept getting hurt. It was time for me to get smart about this whole thing.

I knew I still liked having sex and not necessarily getting involved from time to time. But I also knew I kind of wanted a boyfriend. I had to learn that sexual attraction wasn’t the same as being attracted to a person because there was mutual interest. There were times after that when I would notice a man giving me those hot intense looks and I would blow him off. I didn’t always want to have casual sex and if he wasn’t that interesting to me, I didn’t bother. I knew what he wanted. And then I developed this reputation for being hot and sexy and hard to get.

I like a gorgeous man as much as the next girl. But as I grew older, I began to regard them more as eye candy. They might taste good, but who needs empty calories? I got more interested in other things – I went to college later in life and I wanted to get good grades.  Messing about with a guy who meant nothing to me was just not a priority. I was in my 30’s in college with lots of young guys from 18 to 21 with raging hormones. I knew very well those weren’t the guys I wanted. My roommates were getting their hearts broken on a daily basis so I called an emergency meeting and we had the talk about the wrong guy. I explained about those deep and intense looks and that he wasn’t thinking about the ring he wanted to buy you to announce that you were a couple. He was trying to figure out the right thing to say to get into your pants. Some of the girls didn’t believe me and some did. But at least they knew.

What is it about the wrong man that we find so alluring? Is it just how they look?  Is it that desire to be with the bad boy because he’s so interesting in his desire to be different? We love the rebels – the guys who buck convention and dress different. For us more mature ladies, it was the guy in the tight jeans with the motorcycle jacket and the longer hair and that daring look in his eyes. Or maybe we liked his different accent and the way he leaned back and looked at us from under his eyelashes.

Now the girls seem to like the thugs with the big baggy jeans and the over sized tee shirt and the bling. Or he’s got lots of piercings and tattoos and a bald head. Whatever, he isn’t the one we should be looking at but something about that bad boy attracts us.

Or is it what he says? Why is it that the wrong man always tells you how beautiful and sexy you are and that he smiles that smile that makes your heart drop and you fall in love before you know it. Is he better in bed than other guys?

Whatever it is, the wrong man is very popular with us. We manage to find the ones who don’t work, or have an angry vengeful ex or several babies by different women. We like the men who don’t want to commit and have three or four different women who all think he belong to them. We love the cheating husband who has a wife who just doesn’t understand him anymore. We love the drug addict, the alcoholic, the sex addict, the controlling know-it-all, the man who thinks all women are stupid, who doesn’t respect our opinions and especially the one who only wants us for sex. All of us have wrong man stories and many times, more than one. We will be attracted to different versions of the wrong man over and over. We make the same mistake over and over and over.

Why?

If I knew, I’d be on Oprah and I’d be rich.

We fall in love with him for many different reasons because the wrong man isn’t always the same man for each of us. And you would think as much as we talk about him to each other that we would recognize him when we see him. But we don’t. Maybe he’s gotten cleverer and that he’s better able to sneak past our defenses and into our hearts and wreck havoc on us. Or are we so desperate for a man that we fall for a man even when we know he’s wrong?

Do we imagine we can change him? Or do we hope he will change and suddenly become The Right Man?

Usually at some point, we have been given a warning.  It might have been subtle – something he said or did that we wondered about and then thought up a reason for it and overlooked it only to remember it later when we are sitting alone watching “Charmed” reruns while devouring a half gallon of chocolate chip ice cream.

Men often tell us what they want and we tend not to listen. We try to justify it or think he really didn’t mean it or that we can change his mind. And again, we end up with a broken heart. Or sometimes we meet that man who is truly a lying, rotten worthless bastard who is able to hide his true nature till we get involved or until he decides he’s finished using you and he leaves you confused and hurt. Whatever.  We just seem to be fatally attracted to these men.

Be careful ladies. Tread lightly. Take your time.  Ask the right questions. Listen for the wrong answers. Keep your heart under lock and key until you are sure. Keep your panties on and if you do take them off, for heaven’s sake make sure your contraceptives work. Listen to what your trusted girlfriends say. If they are ones you know and love, they won’t lead you wrong.  If they have misgivings, they will tell you and they can be objective because they aren’t involved like you are. If that little voice starts to speak to you, listen to it. Run!

Remember this – all the time you waste falling in love with the wrong man is keeping you away from the right man. How much time do you want to waste like that? We aren’t getting any younger. Don’t try to stay and make it work. It won’t get better. Realize you have made a mistake and gather up your wounded pride and your tattered heart and leave.

That rush you get from the wrong man is temporary. As soon as you figure out he’s not the one, all the magic is gone. You’ll wonder what you saw in him in the first place. And you will start to think what if….why didn’t I…I should have…on and on.

The right man will make you happy. He will make your heart feel like it’s about to burst sometimes. He will listen to you and talk to you and love you and be there when you have a cold and he will love you. He will piss you off sometimes and you will want to knock his block off. But you will know that nobody else makes you feel as loved and secure as he does.

Isn’t that what you want?

When Did It Get So Crazy?

It should be so very simple – boy meets girl, girl likes boy, they spend time together and soon discover they want to be together and they become a couple. Modern love is never that simple.

After two disappointing attempts at having a happy relationship, I decided it was time to try again. I decided to try a few internet dating sites because that had worked for me in the past. I remember I had enjoyed meeting different men online and how I had looked forward to getting email each day. I wasn’t expecting this to be so hard.

I’m reasonably good looking, I’m smart and funny and I’m not materialistic or demanding. Yes, I am a bit older, but I’m blessed to look much younger than I am even if I do feel it sometimes. I’m good at conversation, I have lots of interests, I can take care of myself, hell, I even like football!

So I wrote up my profile and it went something like this…”Worldly sassy woman seeks intelligent funny man for life’s adventures.” And I spoke of the things I like and I said one thing clearly – I prefer white men and especially European men. I said I love classic rock and roll and old school r&b.  I said I love reading, writing and music as well as pets – both cats and dogs. I like to travel and I love to laugh and I want a man with a great sense of humor so we can laugh and love together. That’s pretty straight forward isn’t it? I chose my age limit to be 40-65. And then I waited to see what would happen.

The first few emails were innocent enough.  One local guy seemed ok.  We chatted online a few times.  He was nice but didn’t really light my fire. He wanted to meet right away and I didn’t to. We should first email each other, then we chat online and maybe I might give him my phone number and if it all goes well, we meet in person.

I got emails from men who were clearly outside the preferences I had established. It was obvious that they weren’t reading my profile. Was I being too picky? What was wrong? I just wasn’t happy with the emails I was getting.

I began to notice a trend: lots of email from men professing to be widowers with young children or teenagers who needed a woman to love them. Problem! I never had children, never wanted children and don’t want them now. I want to give my love and attention to my man, not his kids. I like a man who can give me his attention and love and I am not getting up at 6:30 a.m. to get little Megan off to school. Nor am I going to pick her up or go to her dance recital or her soccer game.I also don’t want to argue with a sulking teenager who reminds me I am not her mother. I’m too old for that.

I got suspicious.  There were sure a lot of dead women out there, when statistics tell us that women tend to live longer than men do generally. Hmmm.  And some of the pictures of those poor dear men looked like models. And I did have one man ask me for money promptly. Seems had this check he couldn’t cash and if I just loaned him some money….you know the rest. I knew that was coming! I said no quickly and that I suspected he was just a scammer trying to figure out a way to get into my meager bank account. He faded away.

I have a M.A. in English.  I have been teaching grammar and writing since 1988.  I recognize when people don’t speak English as their native tongue.  I know that a lot of folks didn’t pay attention in school and that they were bad in grammar but certain errors and word misuses only occur in people who aren’t comfortable writing in English. I know it when I see it.

I am pretty sure that most of these people are from whatever countries those people live in that concentrate on scamming.  I can just see them sitting in a smoky room somewhere full of computers, or in an internet café, all looking for ways to hook into gullible Americans and worm their way into our lives and bank accounts. 

When I wrote back to them challenging them about their writing or what they said, some of them responded with delight that I had answered them so I knew their English was so bad, they didn’t realize what I was saying to them. All that told me these people were just liars.

I mean, are you going to fall for this:

“I bet if they elected Miss 2011, she has to be you! Your smile tensed my whole heart when I looked at your picture. It must be raining when you were born, because God was crying for losing his most beautiful Angel. How long have you been living on earth?”

Or this?

“I offer you:
my commitment,
my time,
my hope for the future,
a shoulder to cry on,
a smile to lift you up,
an arm to give you strength,
shelter from all harm,
and a kiss to inspire you.
I offer you my heart
and all I have to give.
I offer you a
lifetime of love. “

He’s good, isn’t he?  Wouldn’t that warm your heart?

I got too much of that stuff. I tried to laugh about it but truthfully, it angered me. I’m smart and hard to fool.  What about the poor women who are desperate and lonely and get these emails and believe them? Some of them write so much romantic drivel that you begin to wonder. It’s just not fair that people should be so anxious to take advantage of other people.

I decided to get them back. I found an article about how to spot online dating site scammers and I posted it. I copied the emails I had that I knew were lies and I posted them too.  If one woman realizes she’s being scammed and is saved, I will breathe a lot easier.

And I kept getting emails from men with no profile and no picture. Why?  If they can see what I look like and get some kind of idea what I’m like, why can’t I do the same? And I don’t want to give them my email so they can send me a picture.  I want them to post their information too. I probably have sent over a hundred emails in return asking them why no pic/profile.

Some I understand.  They were just not very attractive and I’m being kind. Now I am not looking for George Clooney, though I would not kick him out of bed.  I don’t mind if the man has a few extra pounds.  I have a few. I don’t mind if he’s balding or bald.  I’m kinda short so he doesn’t have to be tall. He doesn’t have to be a movie star.  But he does have to be attractive to me.

But a man who has not taken care of himself, who looks really beaten down and old, with baggy loose skin and a droopy face with a few tufts of white hair does not get me warm if you know what I mean. And I don’t want a short man who is wider around his waist than he is tall.

I don’t like facial hair. At all. Beards and moustaches do not excite me. I like my men baby faced and smooth.  The most I will tolerate is a 5 o’clock shadow but no more. I like men with long hair.  Maybe it’s that rock and roll thing, but I do. And I like a man with some light and laughter in his eyes.  He must be kind of interesting to catch my eye. 

Ok, maybe I am a bit picky. But that’s what I like. Oh, and I am fond of British men. There is just something about their attitudes that I really like. I have been hoping I would meet a cheeky, funny and cute Brit that I would fall head over heels for and have fun with. (I did meet one but that’s a whole other story.)

I went back to my profile and added a couple of things.  “If you don’t have a profile and a picture, I will not respond to your email. And if you are a single father with small children, please do not write to me. I am not interested in being a mother to your children. “I eventually changed that to “No single dads. Period.”  Teenagers scare me.

The men I ended up talking to were men who started out our conversation just talking. We just started talking like we knew each other. They didn’t pepper me with questions about what I do or what I liked or what I wanted. We just talked. Some of the men started with the questions so fiercely that I thought I was interviewing for a job. It was annoying to say the least.

I used to write articles for a newspaper and I learned that people were more willing to tell me what I wanted to know if I just let them talk.  Questions broke up the flow and some found it intrusive. When I talk to people, I just talk to them.  I may ask a question here or there, but mostly I find out what I want to know just in conversation with them. And I tell them what they want to know as well.  It just works better. But some of these men didn’t know that. I suggested to a few of them that we just chat and not ask so many questions but they persisted and soon I lost interest.

I began to wonder if the men on the sites could read. Black men, young men, single dads and men who clearly did not fit my preferences continued to send me emails on a daily basis. I realized that they were only looking at my pictures and not reading my profile. They just liked the way I looked and decided to write to me to convince me that I should be with them.

I stopped being nice.  I just didn’t answer the ones who were unacceptable. Once in a while, I did write back – ‘No profile? No picture? Not fair! You saw mine!’

Lots of guys asked me for personal contact information that I didn’t want to give them. And I got over the thrill of online chatting over 10 years ago. When I go online, I’m checking my email or reading posts in groups or some other task. I have no desire to sit online all day or all night and answer questions or explain why I don’t want to meet his little boy or why having sex with him would give me nightmares. It just got to be too much.

I met a few guys with some kind of promise but as we got to know each other, things didn’t work out for various reasons. Some were unavailable, some were too sexual, others had other relationships and weren’t honest about it but all in all, nothing happened. A few of them I still chat with but there’s no romance, no sparks, nothing like that going on.

So looking at my email each day had become looking at men who were bravely showing their parts that they really should have been hiding. It was emails from men who want to get naked right away and others who want me to tell them my fantasies. It was no longer fun to read.

I finally gave in and closed two of the online profiles I had. I still have a couple open but I don’t have much hope anymore. I needed to do other things anyway. I took on the task of posting the letters from the men I suspect are scammers. I need to get to a story I’ve been working on and make it into a novel. I need to finish the ones I have already started. And I wanted to get this started too. So I had to move on.

I am still hoping I will find the man with the light in his eyes and the smile on his lips that will set my heart racing.  Maybe he will show up.

I keep hoping.

Finally!

I know, I know, I've been threatening to do this for a while. You can't believe I finally did it. Well, the truth is, I had to get out of my own way. I wanted to have my own blog for a long time but I just couldn't do it. I've been in a terrible funk for a long time and as all creative types know, you cant create when your brain is full of oatmeal.

I've been stuck for months. Let's be honest - I really have. I've started writing and stopped and never got anywhere. I have a lot to say but I didn't even want to hear it so I couldn't move forward. Last year was kind of rough for me and I had several setbacks and now when I look back, I feel good that I managed to survive it all and keep some semblance of sanity. So now, it's time to get back to being me and so here I am!

I look around me and I see a lot of things that alarm me. I see people who don't seem to care about anyone but themselves. I am distressed to see racism still alive and well despite everything we've done the past 50 years. I am still amazed at how satisfied people are at being dumb. And on a personal level, I had to stop and think that there were people in my life that I thought were friends and I had to realize they aren't. I have some people who truly care about me and I know who they are. I know where I can go lay my head and be soothed. Sometimes you need a wake-up call.

There are a lot of things wrong. We all know that. But there are a lot of things right too and we shouldn't lose sight of that. I work hard to be optimistic but yeah, sometimes it's really rough. So when you visit me here, you will see a lot of things that are on my mind. You may agree and you may not. Life goes on.

A few years ago, a friend and I tried to put together an advice column website for me. I had good intentions and meant for it to be something positive. I have a lot of people come to me for advice and I try to help people do the right thing because I care. But you know, even with the smartest of us, we still manage to make a terrible mess of our lives sometimes. Do you want somebody smugly telling you how you screwed up? I think not, so it didn't work out and I've been floundering since then.  This seems like a better option.

So bear with me. I think this is going to be fun.