Broke in America

I don’t have health insurance. I haven’t had it for well over a year. Like most Americans without insurance, I had it when I had a job. I was paying over $300 a month for coverage for myself and my spouse. We are both over 50 and have a variety of ailments that we need regular medical care for and we take a few prescriptions.

I lost my job a little over two years ago. For a while, COBRA payments were affordable, but as I struggled to live on less than half the regular salary I was earning, it became difficult. My unemployment payment was barely enough to cover my rent and the cable and utilities that I usually paid. I struggled to keep it up, but it was apparent that I wasn’t going to be able to afford it for long.

I went looking for an alternative and realized what a boondoggle it can be to try to shop for it. Every scam artist and desperate sales person must have been just waiting for a dope like me to fill out some questions online because soon, my cell phone was blowing up and I was getting half a dozen emails a day trying to convince me that they were all looking out for my best interest with the plan that was going to work for a couple of middle aged folks like us.

I settled for one and soon regretted my decision. When I was insured, my doctor visits cost me $30. You know how it goes. You have to give those folks your insurance card and pay before you even see a nurse. Somehow that all seems so very cold, but it’s how it is. If you are going to a specialist, it cost $50 a visit. That doesn’t count the tests they say you need or the medications they shove at you. Prescriptions are a huge expense.

This new fangled plan I was shelling out over $200 a month for only covered $50 of my visit and I had to pay the whole lump and get the $50 back later. So if a visit to my doctor cost $250, I had to pay the whole thing and wait a few weeks for the $50. The cost of my prescriptions only dropped by a mere dollar and I was taking a few that cost me well over $40 a month.

My spouse had to have an MRI which about $1000 and the “insurance” company balked at paying it. They only covered $25 or some ridiculous amount like that. Where in America can you get an MRI for $25?? In somebody’s dreams, that’s where. His doctor charged $500 a visit and one of his prescriptions cost over $1000 a month! The agent I spoke to referred me to a mail order plan that would charge $15 a month for each prescription. That had nothing to do with the plan he sold me.

When I sat down and thought about it, I realized I’d been duped and decided to get my money back. I called to cancel the plan and promptly the next day, they deducted the payment out of my meager bank account. It took me nearly a month to get my money back.

What now?

A friend of mine was going to a free clinic and I decided to go too. The people there are kind and helpful and getting in was rather easy. Of course I had to fill out a lot of paperwork to prove I was nearly indigent and that I couldn’t afford to purchase insurance. I did that. When I told them I was stressed to the point that I could not sleep at night, that I lay in bed each night with my stomach twisted in knots worrying how I was going to pay my share of the rent, the cable bill, the gas bill and still eat AND get my prescriptions and perhaps a few personal items like lotion and deodorant, they referred me to the county hospital to see a psychiatrist.

I wasn’t suicidal or homicidal. I was just stressed and afraid. I’ve always been able to handle things and suddenly, I wasn’t able to do it. Every month, something had to wait and wondering what was going to get disconnected for non-payment was frightening. I knew my roommates were doing the best they could, but neither of them were working either.

My brother, my beautiful, proud and strong brother has glaucoma and is nearly blind. He has been suffering for years from a debilitating mystery ailment that has sapped his strength and energy to the point that a trip up the stairs leaves him breathless and he sits at the top of the stairs huffing and puffing like an old man. He’s 55. He has had numerous tests but no one can say what is wrong with him. He sits in his darkened room everyday and it rips my heart out to see it.

He’s unable to go out on the range, riding horses and doing wagon trains with troubled youth as he did for years. He can’t ride his motorcycle anymore. He gets disability but a scheming ex-wife figured out she could get all her back child support and went after him and now she gets half his disability check leaving him a whopping $600 to pay rent, eat and help with bills.

I am not talking about a man who weaseled out of his child support payments. He always made sure he was making payments when he was working, but when he got injured on the job and then lost most of his vision, he wasn’t able to work, but she still wanted her money and her payments are based on a job he lost years ago when his sight first began to go bad. So he fell behind and she did not bother to call and ask why. She demanded her money and so now she gets it. We, however, struggle from month to month on what’s left of his check.

My other roommate had also lost her job and had been getting by on long term temp positions that she has taken the past few years. But when she doesn’t have a job, she has to fall back on unemployment like I was. She’s always been a trooper and has worked hard to help everyone around her and she has always kept us smiling because she’s a walking ray of sunshine.

Not now.

The good times were gone for all three of us. We struggled to keep our cable/internet paid because it provided the only entertainment we could afford to have. We almost never have enough money to go out for fun and restaurants are out of the question. Once in a while, we could scrap up some change and use coupons to go to IHOP for breakfast but those times are few and far between.  The last time we all went out to dinner, we came home and found that we had been robbed. All of our computers and software and a couple of cameras had been stolen.

I am a writer, and I use my laptop to work. My roommate is a graphic artist/designer and she had just bought her computer not a month before. The thieves even took every bit of her expensive software. Oh, yeah, and they broke in and stole our lawn mower too.

So in the midst of all this, yes, I was having a difficult time. I had fallen into a deep depression and I knew I needed help. I went to the county hospital and found that also is a tricky thing. I had to be at the clinic before 7 a.m. because they only see so many people each day and if I am late, I have to come back and stand in line again. I finally got in and saw a doctor and told her that I wasn’t going to hurt myself or anyone else, but that I wanted to go to sleep and not worry. She gave me a couple of prescriptions and sent me home.

I no longer have the luxury of making my own appointments when I go to the county hospital. They tell me when I have to be there. She told me to get an appointment with another doctor to try to find a way to handle another ailment I have and I dutifully took the charge sheet she gave me and gave it to the nurse as directed.

The nurse was busy and looked at me like I had two heads when I relayed what the doctor told me. She said to write my name and address on a piece of paper and she would send me a letter and tell me when my appointment would be. Four months later, I got the letter and she had made the appointment with the wrong doctor for the wrong ailment, so I wasted two more trips with that doctor and now, nine months later, I still have not seen the doctor I was supposed to see and this is after the second doctor also attempted to get an appointment. That is my reality now.

I still go to the clinic for the rest of my care. The place is crowded now when I go and I have to wait longer. There are a lot of people like me who cannot afford health care.  I needed to have my prescriptions written again and I waited more than an hour to see a doctor who promptly forgot to write one of them. I asked to be signed up for prescription assistance because in all this time, Congress graciously decided that people like me didn’t need unemployment anymore and my benefits were discontinued. Now I have no money coming in, but those bills are still coming.

I now know how those elderly on Medicare feel. There are times I can’t get my prescriptions because I can’t afford them. I am lucky that I got a bit of assistance with food stamps, but when I applied for state medical aid, they denied me because I am “employable.” Tell that to the jobs I have applied for over these two years that haven’t even bothered to tell me to go take a flying leap. I’m too old to get a job it seems. But I’m also too young to get Social Security or disability. So I’m sitting here terrified and mortified again because I can’t pay my part of the bills.

This nightmare that we are living in is no joke. I wonder what the elected officials are thinking when they slash the benefits for the elderly and the disadvantaged. Do they really believe we are living the high life on $300 a week? My brother got a letter today saying that his medical assistance from the state of Illinois is going to be discontinued after this month. Luckily he bought an insurance plan to cover his prescriptions because he has a few that cost $200 a month without insurance or any kind of assistance.

How can they in good conscience make decisions that so deeply affect people like us? Do they sleep at night? Do they look in the mirror and say “There by the Grace of God go I” and realize that they could very well be in the same circumstances that we are?

We are educated people who have always had good jobs. We’ve always worked hard and never had to ask for assistance. We have worked in service to help others and though we have never earned a huge salary like some, we have always been able to live and have some pleasures in life. Now we sit down to the dinner table and look at each other like frightened deer. The house we live in is in foreclosure and we are behind in rent. Not badly. We managed to keep it up as long as we could, and she worked with us, but it has gotten a bit harder now. She is underwater and is struggling too.

What has happened? When we go for a drive, which is rare, with the price of gas and parking, we see these huge houses and folks walking around their big expensive cars and taking little Suzie into American Girl to buy her a doll that is so expensive it would pay our electric bill. They are all smiling and happy and seemingly don’t have a care in the world.

Where did we go wrong? Did we not work hard enough? Did we not get our education? We have been good citizens. We have never been in trouble, we always paid our bills, we vote in every election. We have volunteered and worked in community service and we are good hard working people. When did it get so hard to be just regular folks? And how long will this last?

And everybody is fighting and scrapping for every dime we have. It seems that everywhere you look there are ads. You can’t look at a news story, or even a music video on You Tube without sitting through an ad or two. Don’t these folks realize we are broke???

I was especially outdone with the ads that ran during Christmas. It seems there are a lot of folks who can afford to buy their mates expensive cars and put big bows on them for Christmas presents. Wow. I don’t know anyone who can do that.

I don’t know what is to become of us. How can we even consider ourselves a great nation when we cannot keep our people fed and clothed and in decent housing? When they cannot get the medicine to remain in relatively good health? What happens if they fall gravely ill or have an accident and require extensive medical care?

How long will this madness last?

Dignity

Ladies, say the word with me. D-I-G-N-I-T-Y. It’s something we all need to keep in mind and never forget – especially when we are dealing with men. Let me elaborate.
Some of us start getting worried about getting married when we are in our 30’s or 40’s. We wonder if we have done something wrong, if we have been too picky or that something has passed us by. By this point in our life, we have lowered our standards a bit which really is a good thing. We are no longer looking for only drop dead gorgeous men and we usually understand that a bad boy is just that – a bad boy.

So we start wondering where we have to go to meet Mr. Right. We go to the grocery store and stay too long – spending too much money. We go to the Laundromat when we know we have a perfectly good washer at home. We go to church and anyplace else we think will work in our favor. Sometimes we dress a bit too provocatively and if we go out with our friends, it no longer is a night with girlfriends – it’s a hunting expedition. And we’re serious about it. Hungry eyes watch every single man that enters and wonder if he might be The One.

It’s about this time that we get envious of the younger women. For some of us, things start going south and we see lines in our face in the mirror and every day we see a few more gray hairs. Our bodies are not taut and tight like they used to be and we can’t help but wish early transmission failure on the young skinny girls getting all the attention.
And when a guy does come talk to us, we have been known to think, “well, he’s not all that cute, but he does like ME,” and he starts not to look so bad. The question in our head is will he be a good husband and could he support a family? And if we think he is a good candidate, it’s about then that our dignity goes right out the window. We can protest all we want to but we are in the first steps of settling and settling is never good.

We all have a list of things we want in a man and as we get older, that list can be less and less important. Because we want to settle down and have a family, we are willing to strike a few things off that list, and in doing this, we build up the ego of a man who might not be worthy of us and before long, we have created a monster.

Men assume that they are valuable commodities and if he is good looking, rich, and all that, he doesn’t think he has to have just one woman. He usually has several women in and out of his life and you have to decide you want to be one of the harem. They also know that we want them and we will tolerate their bad behavior just to be with them.

Ladies, ladies, ladies! Let’s back up. If you were busy with your career or if you were having fun before you started thinking about settling down, that is what you were supposed to be doing. Perhaps you weren’t ready to have a marriage and kids when you’re 25. All of us aren’t. I believe we need to get those demons worked out and get drunk till you puke and ride the electronic bull and go on spring break while you are still single. Have your fun! It’s ok!

And if you were becoming the corporate maven, again, good for you. If you have worked at that early in your life and you may have a nice little nest egg and you have learned a lot and it will help you later. There are some who believe a girl shouldn’t take her career so seriously but I disagree. If it’s what you want, go for it. Just remember having it all means you have to do it all and not all of us are able to do that without some resentment and anger later on that will eventually destroy your relationship.
When that day comes and you decide you are ready, keep in mind all the things you have been through. Recognize that you are successful and that you have worked hard and deserve only the best. Be proud of what you have done and maintain that pride as you begin to look for a mate.
Settling is never good. Eventually, you will tire of him or you will be resentful and if that happens AFTER you have walked down the aisle and brought Junior home, which will be a lot of trouble for you all. If you date a man who isn’t worthy of you and you allow him to treat you badly, well, you know you made a mistake. Now what? Do you really want to wake up in the middle of the night and look at him sleeping and wish you were anywhere else but there with him?

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man you settled for because you were desperate and then meet the man you SHOULD be with? Or do you want to engage in an affair because you are unhappy with the man in your life and that will be a lot of trouble for you all. If you date a man who isn’t worthy of you and you allow him to treat you badly, well, you know you made a mistake. Now what? Do you really want to wake up in the middle of the night and look at him sleeping and wish you were anywhere else but there with him? Why complicate your life that way?

If a man tries to hit on you and you know you really don’t like him, say no thank you and keep moving. If you see he has a mean streak, walk girl. Walk fast. And if he’s violent? Don’t even look back.
Don’t get the baby blues and get pregnant and have the father walk off and leave you with the responsibility of raising your child alone. Keep those contraceptives close and use them. Do you want to be on the Maury Show, trying to get the baby daddy to recognize his child? “Jerome, you ARE the father!” Do you really want that? Think about it.

If he has two or three baby mamas, do you really want to be caught up in all that
drama? If he has to give all those women money, will he still be able to give you the life
you want? And if you don’t have children, do you want your weekends to be devoted to
taking care of his children? Please stop and take the time to think about the life you are
consenting to and if it isn’t what you want, don’t settle just so you have a man. You will
regret it later.

Keep your dignity intact, girl. Don’t settle. Stay clear about what your goals are and stick to your guns. It might take a little longer but wait for the right one. Hold out for your joy and remember that you are worthy of having the love you seek. If you have chosen to date interracially, you have given yourself better odds. And don’t date the first white guy that approaches you. Wait for the right rainbeau. People can smell desperation a mile away and it’s not a good scent for you.

Don’t sit in your house and complain that you can’t find the right one and whine that all the good men are gone. They are not. They might be a little harder to find these days, but they are not gone.  You may need to be patient but don’t give up and don’t give in to the wrong one.

Maintain your dignity. Please.

A Peculiar Situation

There exists a fragile relationship between white women and black women. Sometimes we can be close friends and sometimes, we square off like two combatants in the ring, warily eying each other. I think basically we want to be friends and like each other. As women, we understand that we share so many of the same issues but external things (like men and jobs) always seem to come between us.
When I was a young woman and just entering the fray of women’s rights, black women complained that white women didn’t understand the true depth of our plight. There became a rift – ‘womanists” and “feminists” which basically was the same thing, but one was black and one was white. I just shook my head in frustration because I was and still am tired of divisions caused by race. I joined in and tried not to offend either group and I still think of myself as just a woman who wants to be treated fairly.

Is it that we don’t trust each other? I suppose it could be. Stereotypes have reared their ugly heads in many a budding friendship between women of different races. They think of us as inferior and not as bright and we see them as dizzy white girls. Is it resentment? Sure. Black women have had to deal with the sobering fact that when it comes to the equation of choice, most men would choose a white woman or even an Asian woman over us. It’s hard not to be a bit cranky about that.
I have seen the hurt and anger in a black woman’s eyes when she sees a black man with a white woman. She feels all kinds of rejection and resentment. I date white guys so it has never bothered me. But there are thousands of sisters who feel the bite of rejection when they see that. Once again, we come in second. I can relate to that feeling.

Sisters get really riled with the never ending idea that our culture pushes at us – white women are superior, they are the ideal and we are just second rate. I remember the days of the back-handed compliment, “You’re pretty for a black girl,” which implies that black women are generally ugly, but I am an anomaly. Or when they used to say “Oh, you look just like Diana Ross!” Or Lena Horne, Eartha Kitt, or whichever black woman was popular at that time. So I’m not attractive unless I remind you of a black woman you are used to looking at? Yeah, you’d be resentful too.
 How many years did it take for cosmetic companies to start formulating make-up and skin care in the many shades we come in? Or proper hair products for us? It took Madison Avenue a long time to realize that women come in all colors. And sizes, but I’m not going there right now.

I have known black women who want to date white men but have a deep abiding hatred of white women. I ask them how they think they will get along with his sister, mother, aunts, etc. How can you love him and hate them?

Yes, I have known some very arrogant white women who looked down their nose at me. With a toss of their hair they dismissed me as any kind of threat in their quest to find “The One.” Because of their assumed right to the throne of womanhood, they never thought anyone would dare pass them up and look at lowly me. Some of those girls had a lesson to learn. Some men like us and all those men aren’t black. Surprise!

 I think it’s kind of funny when you’re out and about and you meet a white girl and you are talking and in a very patronizing way, she points out the black guys saying how hot they are. I tell her to go after them and point out the one I like which just happens to be the one she likes. I love that look on their faces at that moment that they realize I am more of a threat than she ever expected.
I have had close white girlfriends since I was about 13. I never saw anything wrong with it, though some of my black friends and family did. I have never had to compete with my friends nor have I ever wondered about trusting them as friends - most of them, anyway. I have friends I know I can always count on through thick and thin and I know they love me every bit as much as I love them. I am very lucky there.

I don’t hate white women. I don’t like the way they are lauded over and the sense of entitlement that some of them have. I know that I am just as good as they are and I feel I should be considered to be just as much a woman as they are. And isn’t that what it’s all about? I mean, after all, we are all women. We share more than we realize sometimes and we should be able to stand together and support each other when things get tough. No petty jealousies. Just women standing together to face the world.

I love that.