Is This All There Is?

I just had a birthday. It was just like every other day in my life lately, except for a lot of greetings from friends and family. I sat at home in my bed, on my computer or watching television or sleeping. For one thing, I haven’t felt well for a few days. I have a viral infection of some kind and I’ve been under the weather.

But mostly, it’s because I can’t afford to do anything. I haven’t worked in over three years. I was getting unemployment for a while but that ran out. For several months, I had no income at all. I was humiliated, terrified and angry.

It’s not because I don’t have the education or the experience or the skills. I do. But I just happen to fall into that group of people who seem to suddenly have been shut out of the job market. I’m over 50, but not yet of retirement age. I’ve sent out more resumes than I can count. I had two interviews, perhaps 4 calls of interest and that is all in the past few years. Nobody is interested in hiring someone like me. I finally stopped sending out resumes because the only responses I got were the rare thanks but no thanks letters. Most folks didn’t even bother to respond.

I wonder what they think we are supposed to do? We want to work. We need to work. Many of us had jobs we enjoyed and we love the contact with people. While I did not like the supervisor I had at my last job and I thought some of the policies were rather archaic and ridiculous, I did like working with the students I taught, even if they weren’t the ideal students.

I like being of service to people. I love helping people improve their lives. I like making a difference. I learned a long time ago that it’s not about me – it’s what I can do for others that makes working worthwhile for me. It’s hard for me to feel useless and unable to do what I love.

I admit I don’t like the prospect of getting to work. I live in Chicago and going to work will more than likely consist of a lengthy ride on public transportation, something I don’t really like doing.

While it wasn’t a problem for me for most of my life, I was diagnosed with lupus a few years ago and it’s work for me to get up, get dressed, walk to the bus/L, wait and then ride for nearly an hour to get to work. I am already exhausted by the time I get there.

The best thing for me would be for me to have a telecommuting position but getting those is like finding the goose with the golden egg. And I am really looking forward to leaving Chicago.

Looking back, coming here was not the best thing for me. My health has suffered since I have been here and things in my life have gotten progressively worse each year that I have been here.

I desperately want to leave here but I cannot leave just yet.

And when I do leave, where will I go?

What will I do?

How will I survive?

The past year, it was probably better that I didn’t work. My youngest brother came to Chicago a few years ago to get help with his failing vision from severe glaucoma. He was going to classes to learn other skills so that he could continue to work despite his limited vision.

While going, he began to notice he was extremely fatigued from the trip to his classes each day. It got harder and harder for him to walk a few blocks and he soon realized he had to stop going. He kept saying there was something wrong with him and I didn’t know what to think so he was going to a doctor. It took a year or more to discover that he had multiple myeloma and amyloidosis.

He began chemotherapy immediately and six months ago, he had a stem cell transplant. He has been recovering and I have become his caregiver. My brother and I have always been close so it was no decision for me to make. I knew he needed me and I wanted him to be better. He is still extremely weak and fatigued even though he is getting better so I still keep things in order for us as much as I can.

We have had a rough few years. He couldn’t work so he had to apply for social security disability and when he got it, they immediately began to garnish student loan payments and child support. He’s never been one to shirk his responsibilities, but he went without work and was unable to pay support. His ex didn’t bother to find out what was going on, but stomped into court demanding her payment and so it was deducted. He was forced to live on what was left, which wasn’t much.

Lucky for him, his student loan debt was pardoned and he was living in a house with me and another roommate where we split the rent three ways.

When I lost my job, I had health issues that needed to be addressed and was trying to keep my treatments going despite my dwindling finances. I was also responsible for some of the payments for our household and that was getting harder for me as well.

Our living arrangements got dicey as well, Our roommate had various relatives moving in and out as well as friends and that made things different and not always in a good way. And then we discovered that our landlord had not been paying the taxes, mortgage or water bill for the house we were renting from her.

We were struggling to keep the rent paid and we were late sometimes, but we always managed to get her most of the rent each month if not all. We didn’t know how long we’d be able to remain in the house and that caused even more tension.

During this time, my estranged husband had a health crisis and had no one to assist him, so I went to Florida and stayed a month trying to get him on his feet. I did it because he had been in my life for several years and I couldn’t in good conscience leave him alone and ill. All I wanted was for him to get better. Just because we couldn’t live together anymore didn’t mean I didn’t care what happened to him.

Back in Chicago, we struggled to try to keep the home we had been living in for four years. We tried to work things out with the landlord and then when the house was sold, with the new company that bought it. It was soon clear that we would have to move and so we began looking for a place to live.

It was going to be difficult for us to find a place to live with my roommate, her family and my brother and me and our assorted pets. We knew we would have to split and look for things on our own and so we did. We both managed to find apartments with the help of family.

We are paying more rent that our apartment is worth and we are living in a dangerous part of town. We have struggled with assorted and varied issues with this apartment since we have been here but we know we are lucky to have found a place with our limited income and in such a short period of time.

We also knew we didn’t want to sign a lease and stay here two years. We planned to move back to the South as soon as my brother’s physicians release him from treatment. We didn’t realize just how extensive that treatment would be but he has done very well throughout and it looks like we may be able to leave in a few months after all.

But as I said before, where will we go?

We want to go to Florida. We both lived there at different points in our lives and we loved it.

Do we want to live near our family? Do we want to start a business in a building owned by a family member?

Or do we want to live in North Florida and find something on our own, away from them and the continuing drama that our family property has created?

And then we could go to Georgia and live where his son lives.

But would we be a burden for them?

And when will we be able to go?

And how?

Neither of us can drive that much. And we don’t have that much money. We can get a truck and go, but again, where?

We have a lot of thinking to do.

I can’t help but wonder what is in store for me. I’ve been taking care of other folks and putting myself on the back burner. I was doing what I should do. I would do it again. Some of my friends have commented that I deserve so much for the care I have given others but I didn’t do it for repayment or for compliments. When I love people, I love them. No questions.

But is my life over as I knew it? What kind of future can I look forward to? Will I have to exist on the meager funds I receive each month for the rest of my life? Can I find a job that I can do despite my chronic condition?

I am a writer and I write on almost a daily basis. I give my work to some bloggers to use and I get lots of positive feedback, but I also need to get paid. I have work that I want to include in an anthology and I can’t seem to get a publisher interested in my work. (Yes, it’s a bit racy. I write interracial romantic/erotica as well as social commentary.)

I would love a writing job. It’s what I do best and what I love. I keep hoping I will find something that will work with my schedule and so far, no go.

I want to do more. I want to be able to hold my head up and go shopping and have something to discuss with people. I want to be social again and to get out and mingle more than I do.

I am youthful and I don’t look my age. Despite the fact I have a few chronic conditions, I have them under control for the most part. The one thing I am fighting is severe depression. The difficulties of the past years were eventually more than even my strong constitution could bear. I withdrew, sat alone with my thoughts and pain and refused to share or show how I felt. I realized that something was wrong and sought help and for a while, I was feeling better but the struggle has been harder than even I realized.

While my husband and I are still married, we have separate lives and I am happy with that. We haven’t lived together in over five years. I wish him happiness and I hope he can find a woman who can bring him peace and joy. I know I am not that woman regardless of what he thinks. We can be friends, but that is all. I can’t give him what he needs, nor can he give me what I need.

I thought I had met the person who was going to bring me that joy but I was sadly mistaken. He was not there for me when I needed him and while he says he loves me, it is obvious that he will not be able to be there for me and will not be the one to give me the peace and happiness that I want so badly.

Am I too old to find someone now?

Am I too picky about the ones who seem to be interested?

Do I really know what I want or want I don’t want?

Is my life over as I know it?

Will I ever find a man to love me and to hold my hand and tell me that it will be all right and not need me to bolster his insecurity or give up who I am to keep him happy? Will I meet someone who will love me as flawed as I am while I accept his flaws?

I ask myself these questions almost daily. I try not to get depressed about it and sometimes I catch myself fighting back the tears. I’m afraid sometimes and other times I’m just angry.

I worked so hard all my life and I really tried to make things better and this is all I ended up with. I get angry because I deserved better than this. I had such high hopes for my life.

I did not ever think I would end up like this.

And how much would I have done different if I had known it would be like this?

Each month, as I make the required payments I barely have enough left to be able to eat and perhaps buy a few of the little things that make life worth living – a bottle of perfume here or there, some lipstick, a pair of shoes, things like that. Going out to dinner or drinks with friends is out of the question.

I wake up every day and do the same thing. Yes, I am blessed to be with my brother. I was afraid I would lose him for a while. The rest of our family is too far away to be able to help me when I am tired and ill, so I have to get up and do what I can – go to the store or do laundry or help him get with his medicine or clean the house. There is no help. It’s all on me.

My brother is a great cook and sometimes he prepares wonderful meals for us. Unfortunately, where we live, the stores don’t have the level of produce and meat that we are used to. And we don’t have the money to buy them anyway. We were receiving food assistance but that got cut from $400 a month to $32. That barely buys a meal.

We enjoy being together and we sit and talk over our morning coffee each day. We sit on the steps and watch the world pass by. We watch television almost all day long. It is our only form of entertainment.

I go with him to all his appointments for his treatment. His medical team says I am a wonderful form of support for him. He is my brother. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I spend a lot of time online. I have many friends and I manage to reach out and talk to lots of people there even if I get down sometimes at the news and the state of things in the world we live in now. It can really be depressing sometimes.

I’d love to be able to go shopping at the MAC counter and get a makeover and buy some new makeup. I’d love a shopping trip to get some new shoes or a new dress or a great pair of boots or one of those military jackets I saw in last month’s Vogue.

I need a new phone. I had to give up my IPhone and my expensive carrier and the phone I have isn’t worth the plastic it’s made of. I need to be able to buy a new one but I don’t know when I will be able to do that. I’d love a tablet also but…well, again, I don’t know.

Is this all my life is ever going to be?

Struggling to pay this or that and just watching life pass me by? I’ve done so many things right and yes, I’ve done a few things wrong. I’ve struggled with money all my life and never managed to get things the way they should have been financially.

I went to graduate school hoping it would improve my career and all it did was burden me with a massive student loan that has been troubling ever since I got out of school. I did not ever have a job that rationalized the debt I had to assume. If I had it to do again, I would have stopped with my B.A. and I would be out of debt now.

So many things and so many questions!

Is this any way for a smart, talented, vibrant and wonderful woman to live out her life?

It seems it’s all I have left to look forward to.