What We Are

I've been more reclusive these past few years than I ever have been. I am normally friendly and open with people and I make lifelong friends easily. I like talking to people. Well, I used to. It hasn’t been that way lately.

I’m used to discussions about race. I kind of like them actually. I like it when white folks and black folks can sit down and discuss a subject without ducking and running or backing off when the going gets tough. We see the world in two different ways most of the time and the only way we can understand each other is to talk about it. So it can get uncomfortable. So what? If you get past that part, you can find that we are more alike than not.

I used to think that too.

Most of my reclusiveness has been because I have been battling a severe bout of depression. I know there are some who don’t believe that depression is real. I have them in my family. But most folks know that it is real and that it can be crippling and physically harmful. I feel like I am coming out of it because I am feeling better about a lot of things. I understand who is in my corner and who is not. I know who I can reach out to and who I’d better leave alone. And I’m feeling stronger on my own two feet most of all.

But I’ll be honest; a lot of it is because I don't want to deal with some of the difficulties you have to face now. Like when I get a friend request from someone I don’t know on Facebook, I am hesitant to accept it. I used to think it was just folks eager to make new friends but I learned my lesson about that. I haven’t had to block/delete too many people but by far, the ones I have have been over our different political views. I've had a few I had to cut loose because of inappropriate sexual comments, but mostly it’s been because they hated that I am a liberal.

I friended a man I’d been talking to and he saw a post about the President on my page and he went completely insane. He spewed hate and vitriol and wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to quietly talk about it. He ranted and raved and called us names and made silly accusations until I had no choice but to block and delete him.

I will never forget a post I saw from one man who said he hated black men (but he loved black women) and he expected his mate to agree with him on everything and turn her back on her blackness. I told him that I don’t date conservative men and he smugly told me that the majority of white men are conservative and that I needed to change my attitude if I wanted a date.

In all my life I don’t think I have ever dated a conservative and I’ve dated a lot of white guys. A lot. And if I did cross paths with one who was, we usually didn’t get past the talking to each other point. But the fact that he thought most men were as controlling and patronizing as him was amazing to me.

So yes, politics and race have really been difficult for me to digest lately. Do I think there is a rise in racism? No. It’s always been there. It’s just that some folks are in total denial as to what it means and refuse to get that some of their comments, opinions and gestures are racist.

“It’s just a joke!” “I didn’t mean it that way!” “You’re playing the race card!” That’s all a load of hooey. I think a lot of folks need to really look into their hearts and what they really think and even if they don’t like what they see, they need to own it. That’s the only way they will overcome it.

I similarly don’t associate much with political conservatives. We just don’t see the world the same way at all and the gulf between us is way too deep to overcome easily.

I don’t like to argue. I don’t see where it makes much sense. You rarely can change the other person’s mind so what’s the point? You say what you say to me and I either agree or not. Same with what I say. If we can agree to disagree, ok. But I confess I will pull back from a person once I know they think that way.

I remember when it wasn’t like that. I remember when we could say, “Ok, you’re a Republican and I’m a Democrat. Our votes will cancel each other out.,” and we’d laugh and keep it moving.

But then came Rush Limbaugh and his divisive speech on his radio show. Karl Rove and his “ratfucking.” (His word, not mine.”) Lee Atwater and his campaign against the Democrats. Fox News and their never ending war against sensibility. And then the Tea Party.

Let’s not forget the Bombastic Blondes, Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham. All of them spewing lies, half truths and hate, all aimed to those folks who have never been around anyone of a different color for more than 5 minutes in the line at the grocery store.

You know, those folks who live out in the rural areas. They look at the news and soak up seeing black folks as criminals, “thugs,” they like to say. The media gives them a lot to think about and they make up their minds pretty quickly. They don’t like anybody who isn’t like them. They go to church on Sunday and praise Jesus and then turn around and treat “others” like crap. That’s one reason why I avoid religious folks too. Like they say, I have nothing against God, it’s his fan club that I can’t take.

So now their enemies are people of color. People who left their country to come here and find a better way of life. Oh, not the ones from Europe! Just the brown ones from Mexico or Haiti and places like that. Gay people who only want the right to live as married couples and to adopt children and have lives full of love. People who are poor and can’t afford to feed their families, or can’t afford decent healthcare.

They turned out to vote against anything that helped those folks they consider their enemies, even if it meant to vote against measures that would enrich their own lives. I just don’t understand the reasoning.

Now don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate white people. Not at all. I date and married a white man. But I know this – and maybe it’s unconscious on my part, but I don’t really have anything personal to do with folks who tend to be racist or conservative. The men I date pretty much think the way I do. They are open to understanding how black folks feel and to what makes us hurt. They might find a discussion about race uncomfortable, but they will brave it cause they want to know why I feel hurt.

I also co-created a group against racism over 20 years ago. I wanted to have a forum where folks could come together and talk and get past all the ugliness. Eracism has become a popular vehicle in New Orleans and I am proud of that.

I know a lot of people were disappointed with the response of some of their white friends after Trayvon Martin. After Michael Brown and now after Eric Garner. We feel like our lives don’t matter and that we have targets on our backs. There have been many black girls that have been murdered or gone missing and there’s little or no media attention. There can be a video that proves the man was unarmed and pleading for relief but was killed anyway and the grand jury says it was justified.

Of course we feel there is no justice for us!

And then you get the ones who want to sit you down and talk down to you as if you were stupid and explain that your eyes didn’t really see what your eyes did and that it was totally justified to kill that child/girl/man because that officer/person was frightened for their life. You know how scary big black men are! And those tempers that you black women have! Tsk!

I have been thankful that I haven’t had to engage folks like that in any meaningful discussion. I’ve read their posts and commented a few times but I always saw the futility of it. They are too wrapped up in “what is right” to see how we feel and we are too wrapped up in our pain and outrage to understand where they are coming from.

I used to pray that if I had a child that he would not be a boy. I know how this world regards black boys. They are cute until they are about 8 or 9. Then they are loud, threatening and must be punished. That’s about the time white folks start getting afraid of them. They get punished at school more than similarly loud and boisterous white boys and are often pushed into special education or disciplinary schools and often get labeled for the rest of their lives.

I know they get pulled over by policemen for little or no reason and they are twice as likely to be shot reaching for their wallet – or pills – than white boys.

I know there are young black men in prison who are innocent and have been falsely accused and railroaded simply because they are black. And I know there are many who are sleeping in their graves for the same reason.

I didn’t want to be sitting up at night wondering where my son was, waiting to hear his key in the lock, or to hear his laughter when he came home. My nerves couldn’t take that.

I have nephews and grand-nephews that I worry about now. So far we have been all right but I keep my fingers crossed.

I am similarly perplexed at the black folks who blindly agree with them that we have too many thugs and welfare queens and that we’ve been led down the yellow brick road by the liberals and that we should turn to the conservatives. The very ones who consistently vote against our well being and make patently horrible racist remarks about us…yes, we should suddenly decide to agree with them. That would be a no. Never. I’m not going to ever celebrate when a black person who is a Republican wins anything. NEVER. They don’t represent anything that I am or care about so why should I be happy? Just because they are black?

And then the comments, “…it’s not about race…”

You know what? Let’s be honest. We live in America. EVERYTHING is about race here. You can’t escape that. Not many people look at black people and see them as merely people. And then there is the truth of white privilege. Folks can deny it all they want but it is the reality of the world we live in.

You know why so much hinges on race? Because folks don’t want to talk about it. They don’t want to admit to their true feelings or they are in deep denial about them. We can’t talk about it because black people are so raw and hurt and angry and white people are terrified of our rage. So we all walk around muzzled trying to ignore the 800 lb. gorilla sitting in the middle of the room.

We need to have this discussion. We need to take the gloves off, sit down to the table and be honest with each other. We need to get it out in the open. We need to beat it. We need to know the ones we can trust and the ones we can’t.

They need to know that for the most part, we want the same things they do. We think the same way they do about a lot of things and they need to stop seeing us as some foreign presence living among them here. We are all Americans and we need to look at each other that way.

Just as Americans. That’s all.

How hard is that?